


I Don't Know

by Joyous32



Series: Simple Facts [3]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Blood, Established Relationship, Explicit Consent, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Overcoming Trauma, Post-Canon, Self-Harm, Therapy, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-11-16 13:34:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20826650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joyous32/pseuds/Joyous32
Summary: Neil and Andrew go to therapy with Bee to deal with Andrew's cutting.





	1. Fight For Me

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I am not a therapist and I have never been to therapy. This is just what I feel like it might (?) be like? At least with these kiddos and Momma Bee.

Neil had researched self-harm. The reasons why people did it varied, but they didn’t match Andrew. Andrew’s longing simply to _feel_. Maybe it had started out as a distraction from the other pains inflicted upon him. Maybe it had started out as a way to release tension—the emotions welling up inside that Andrew didn’t let himself otherwise express. Surely, he wasn’t punishing himself. And now, if Andrew needed his knives to feel, what was the point of the _this_ that Andrew still tended to refuse to acknowledge?

This is why they needed Bee.

“I’m not your job, Neil,” Andrew snapped when Neil asked Andrew to explain the self-harm.

“No, but I think it’s my responsibility to care when you seem to think that no one does.”

“Fuck you.”

“Just as it’s your responsibility to talk to me and let me in.”

“_Fuck. You_.”

“Andrew,” Bee called.

_Oh yeah_.

Andrew had forgotten she was there. From the look on Neil’s face, it seemed he had forgotten too. He shifted in his seat as Andrew folded his arms over his chest and stared forward once more.

“Do you understand what Neil expects from your relationship with him?” Bee asked.

“It’s not a—” Andrew cut himself off and Neil turned bodily to glare at him.

“Don’t you dare,” Neil snapped. “Why else would I be here?” Andrew raised an unimpressed eyebrow at him. Neil turned back away, defeated. Andrew squashed the part of him that was disappointed in Neil’s lack of a fight. “Is there any point in me being here, really, then? I mean, if you don’t know why you do it, how is me being here going to help?” Neil insisted.

Andrew didn’t answer. After a lifetime of never showing weaknesses as far as he could help it, lately he had said the words ‘_I don’t know_’ way too many times for his own liking.

“As one of the closest people to Andrew, it could be helpful for your outside take on the situation,” Bee explained.

“I told you why,” Andrew finally offered, and both faces turned back to him. He hated it.

“To feel,” Neil reiterated. “Feel what?” He paused, considering what he wanted to say. “What am I here for if I don’t make you feel anything?”

“You’re a Houdini act,” Andrew snapped. Neil forced himself to consider the entire meaning of these words. “Even now, you’re trying to leave.”

“I told you I’m not leaving.” Ever the walking contradiction. “But if letting you and Bee discuss this matter alone works better, then—”

“And if you don’t have a choice?” Andrew resorted back to the original subject. He shifted to look out the window rather than at either of the faces still staring. “You’re a martyr at heart. For someone who says they don’t understand suicide, you sure are willing to give yourself up to death.”

“And if I promised not to?” Promises. Promises were Andrew’s currency.

“Would you fight for me?” Andrew blurted and Neil’s eyes twitched.

“I promise.” He still didn’t get it.

“Don’t make promises you don’t understand,” Andrew scoffed, the red in his vision slowly fading back away.

“Andrew—”

“Perhaps if you explained what you’re asking him to promise, Andrew,” Bee cut in.

_Andrew didn’t know._

“When you say you want him to fight for you, do you mean you want him to remain in your life despite what circumstances may come?” Bee suggested as Andrew stared down at his hands in his lap. He gave a nod.

“We could get married,” Neil offered, and Andrew raised his eyebrows as he turned to face Neil. “A promise recognized by the court.” Neil gave a nervous smirk.

Neil was expecting a response, but Andrew had none yet to give. “That was a shit proposal,” Andrew answered when he saw Neil wasn’t going to expand upon his statement.

“If I promise not to leave you, will you let yourself feel something for me?” The keyword being ‘_let’_, Andrew realized. He felt for Neil. Andrew didn’t like to admit that he already did and that he hated himself for it. Every time his heart beat in time with Neil’s, he longed to beat it back into submission. Caring meant vulnerability. Was he willing to give that up to Neil?

“Yes or no?” Neil asked, and Andrew blinked back up to him.

“Doesn’t cover it,” Andrew choked out. Neil straightened as he heard his words thrown back into his face.

“Andrew, you care for Neil, yes?” Bee remarked, and Andrew looked to her. Finally, he gave a nod and could feel Neil’s relief seep off of him. _Had he not made that obvious enough? _“And Neil, you care for Andrew?”

“Yes.” Neil was confident.

“Andrew, if I may offer my opinion?” Bee asked and Andrew gave another nod. “Your reasoning seems to be circular. You care for Neil, but you fear that he will leave. You try not to care, but you already do.”

“So, you try not to,” Neil added. “Andrew, the second longest I’ve ever stayed in place was a year.” Neil turned bodily to face Andrew. His hands were close to Andrew’s knee, but he refrained from touching him. “The longest I’ve ever stayed is now that I’m with you. I’m sticking this out.”

It took a long time for Andrew to find an answer. Bee didn’t seem to think this needed any clarification, so she said nothing as the boys stared at each other. Neil was still waiting for some kind of reply, and Andrew knew what he could promise in return.

Neil had proven to be self-contradictory. He never stayed, until he did. He didn’t swing, until he did. He remained in the background, until he didn’t.

Now, Neil was recognizing that fact before Andrew and Bee, both. Neil was a Houdini act, but now… Now, he was Andrew’s. And he wasn’t going to leave.

It wasn’t until the car ride home that Andrew finally spoke up once more. “If you fight for me, I’ll fight for you.”

“Meaning that I’ll stick around, and you’ll allow yourself to care for me,” Neil clarified, and Andrew sighed. As much as he protested, Andrew liked that Neil always spelled things out so explicitly. It was just another contradiction of Neil’s. As much as Neil refused to reveal, what he did reveal, he stuck plainly in Andrew’s face. “Okay,” Neil agreed, and Andrew relaxed.


	2. Contrarian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: First scene includes a depiction of self-harm.

“_Andrew_,” Neil demanded, and Andrew jolted awake from where he was seated on the bathroom floor. Blood wasn’t pooling, but it had dried in streaks down his arms. Neil’s pulse slowed when he saw that Andrew was still breathing. Of course, Neil had known, subconsciously. He knew what death looked like and it didn't tend to have sleep-reddened cheeks. He felt his own stomach churning. 

Andrew only stared back, caught, but unapologetic. “I need to clean your arms.” Andrew’s eyes flickered, almost in a wince, though anger was clearer on his face. “Yes or no?” Neil asked shakily.

“No,” Andrew responded, standing. Neil didn’t question it. “Go,” he snapped when Neil hung in the doorway of the bathroom. Neil stalked off.

He was still shaking. Andrew was hurting again. He was hurting again, and he wasn’t telling Neil about it. Now, the pain had manifested physically, and Neil didn’t know what to do. He was angry but felt guilty for being angry. Why had Andrew let it get this bad again? Why couldn’t Neil figure out what to do to stop it?

When Andrew finally entered the kitchen, arms covered, Neil glanced up from where he was frying eggs. “We have a session with Bee today at three. I checked your schedule and you’re free,” Neil stated. Andrew knew better than to argue.

-

“Hello again,” Bee greeted them pleasantly.

“Hi, Bee,” Neil responded with a smile of his own as Andrew huffed down onto the couch. Neil sat beside him.

Neil hadn’t understood Andrew’s relationship with Bee at first, but when he saw them interact, he figured out why Andrew liked her. She never pitied him, and she was never condescending. Of course not. Why had Neil ever thought Andrew would put up with less?

“Glad to see things are going well.” She glanced indiscreetly at the rings on their fingers. Andrew covered his as he leaned forward onto his knees, but Neil just stared down at his hand for a moment. “I kind of want to ask.” She gave a smirk.

The answers to the unspoken questions were ‘Andrew asked’, and ‘the day after their last session’. It had just been a quick signing of papers in the end. Aaron had been their witness. Their last names remained the same to spare the hassle of changing names on jerseys and legal documents.

“But I doubt that’s why you’re here.”

“Andrew’s—” Neil couldn’t bring himself to finish. For someone used to being so blunt, Neil seemed to struggle with what to say here. Maybe because it wasn’t his secret to tell.

“I cut again. Neil wants to know why,” Andrew offered nonchalantly.

“Did you try talking about it yourselves?” Bee asked, and Andrew gave Neil a look.

“Neil’s not brave enough to play therapist,” Andrew announced.

“I’d prefer you were here to monitor the discussion.” Neil gulped as he explained. “I don’t want to say anything wrong.”

“Andrew should be able to tell you if you said something wrong.”

“He’s just as messed up as I am,” Neil offered, and Andrew’s eyes shifted disinterestedly to him. “Neither of us really know what ‘right’ is or what ‘normal’ calls for.” Andrew snorted, but Neil didn’t turn his attention from Bee.

Bee’s eyes flickered quickly between the two of them. “Okay. Last time, Andrew, you said it was to make you feel something. Neil contested that he should make you feel something. Is this still the reason?”

“I can control it,” Andrew blurted, and then glanced around as if surprised that he had spoken. “It’s the one feeling that is the least tainted. I choose to feel this. It hurts because I say it can.” He held up his covered arm.

“You don’t choose to care for me?”

“No, that’s rather involuntary,” Andrew scoffed. Neil didn’t seem to know how to take that.

“What do you mean by ‘the least tainted’?” Bee questioned. Of course, she caught that, Andrew thought to himself. “Can you give me an example?”

“Sex,” Andrew said simply, and Neil winced.

“You know we don’t have to—”

“This isn’t a conversation for Bee,” Andrew snapped over Neil, who looked sheepish.

“You brought it up,” Neil finally grumbled.

“Maybe a different example, then?” Bee suggested. There was a long silence as Andrew considered this. At one point, Neil opened his mouth, but that was when Andrew found his own vocal chords.

“Tired is a fight,” Andrew strangled out of himself.

“Can you explain?” Bee pressed, but Andrew wasn’t really sure.

“Tired means that I’ve been fighting. Fighting people, fighting to play, fighting not to—” He twisted his arms so that his forearms faced the ceiling. “Fighting not to feel tainted.”

“You’re fixated.” Bee nodded. “Which is definitely proof that you need to start behavioral therapy. Change the way you think. Not everything should resort back to pain.”

Andrew shook his head. They had had this conversation before. Bee wasn’t a behavioral therapist, and Andrew had no intentions of seeing anyone else.

“There are books on it,” Neil suggested, having already caught on to the problem here. Andrew was too self-destructive to read them himself. He was otherwise too busy…too busy not thinking about the thoughts that plagued him. “Self-help books. We could walk through them with Bee.”

“You could.” Be gave a shrug. She knew that Andrew would have never come up with this on his own. Even now, he seemed uncomfortable with the idea. But if Neil suggested it, if Neil came through with it, Andrew would cooperate.

“We can make happier memories. Better ones,” Neil added, and Bee beamed as if he were a child making her proud. Andrew supposed that probably was the case.

_Turns out Neil can play therapist after all. _

“Let’s come up with a plan,” Bee determined. Andrew knew those words. They meant homework. But maybe homework would help distract from the feelings he couldn’t control. Maybe homework would teach those feelings to cooperate like normal and mean nothing more than what they should.


End file.
